Decide to end everyone calls marriage! He Yuwen: Women should ask themselves, "Who am I outside of a good daughter-in-law, a good mother, and a good wife?"

When a woman had a family: "Who am I outside of a good daughter-in-law, a good mother, and a good wife?"

The epidemic has been raging at home and abroad in the past two years, and the acting circle is not peaceful. A lot of news about celebrity couples divorce has caused many netizens to collapse on social media: "Even so-and-so has divorced, I no longer believe in love", "Does the love between the princess and the prince really exist?"

More than once, readers have sent me private messages: "Yu Wen, after you divorced, will you still believe that there is a love between a princess and a prince in this world?"

"Love between a princess and a prince?"

Hmm……

My answer is, believe it.

But before we put in love, we must first understand that the princess and princes are ordinary people, just like you and me, and will have their own personalities, hobbies, small quirks or mines and needs. These good and bad aspects will not disappear without any trace just because they wear crowns and wear Chinese clothes.

So, those princesses or princes are all our expectations for love, and we help each other with filters, but to put it bluntly, we are all ordinary people.

And for me, an ordinary person, the happiest thing is to know who you are, and to work hard to be loyal to yourself and to be honest with yourself.

The "value" of society should not be the standard of life.

From the beginning of pregnancy and the first child until the eldest daughter is born, it is a very, very precious and difficult time in life that can wholeheartedly look forward to a new life and give birth to her and watch her grow up under our care.

In those two years, I was very dedicated to bringing children at home, which also made me think of my growth experience because I didn’t want to let my children repeat my childhood. So I have always hoped to have a harmonious and sound family. After marriage, I also worked hard to fulfill the society's expectations for a perfect mother: mainly children and husbands.

But one day, when I was fully committed to my family, I realized that no matter how much happiness the family brought, I still couldn't ignore my inner desire for "self-realization".

I started working and reading half-work since I was sixteen years old. Work has never left my life. Art work is my interest and the economic source of my life. So when I gave up my work and walked into the family to become someone’s wife and someone’s mother, behind my child’s smile and the love of my husband, I still felt my inner loss.

This change made me feel confused.

After that period of observation, I discovered that when I turned all my passion for the job and bet on my living baby and my partner, they seemed to have suffered too much pressure from me.

For example, in order to fulfill the responsibility of a mother, I had to help my children make side dishes every day in those two years. There was always a voice in my heart saying to myself, "This is a good mother." Although I like cooking, for a high-end woman and a novice mother, it is really a lot of pressure to put on a daily basis! So once I have the opportunity to go out to communicate with other "real" people in society, as long as there is a mother who tells me that she does not make side dishes every day, I will feel "Oh my God, it turns out that I'm not the only one who hasn't done it."

For example, I have more time to take care of children at home, less achievements from work and audience affirmation. I have become very interested in the praise and attention of my partner. Although I often shout out to my confidence, affirm my efforts and take care of my emotions, this is different from the sense of accomplishment and self-affirmation brought by work, as well as the social interactions, and the sense of satisfaction of interacting with colleagues……… When all these things are covered by diapers, bottles, and endless housework. ip;…

One day I suddenly asked myself: "If I imagined a good wife and a good mother before marriage, why do I feel a little disappointed when I am content with taking care of my husband and children in the family, washing hands and making soup soup like other wives and mothers on the Internet, media, or around me?"

Is it stranger to me?

Is it more inappropriate for me to be a mother?

Or other mothers will do the same, but you didn’t say that I didn’t say that, and no one said that? (Social tells us not to discuss this?)

Solve the gender standards, asking what I want to ask, doing what I want to do, is sometimes very similar to the political struggle between the country.

Whether the two parties understand the cultural (personality) differences and needs between them will determine the balance and peace in the relationship.

This year, it was announced to the media that Melinda, who had ended his 30-year marriage with Mr. Billetz, once mentioned in a report that she believed that her efforts to the family were not as good as her efforts to the company. She also admitted in the 2019 "The Moment of Lift" that when she was on stage with her husband, she sometimes felt she was ignored. "When I stood beside Bill and talked, I kept trying to find my voice," she described in her book, "It made it difficult for me to be heard by others.". ”

There is always a set of invisible standards for gender, especially for both men and women in marriage.

We seem to be unable to extricate our potential expectations for fathers and mothers and children, and ignore how different each life is: some people are introverted, some people are extroverted, some people like but are not good at managing their families, and some people are full of mind for their careers.

If the gender can be removed, everyone will no longer be affected by traditional society. Whether they will work hard outside can be mothers, and fathers can take care of their children at home. Can my father also say generously to his friends: "It's OK, my wife really makes money, just hand over the money to her."

When most women enter the so-called marriage relationship and become a wife, even if she gives her family no rest all year round, even if she is a professional woman, her career is as successful as her husband and her career is as bright as her husband, but when she stands with her husband in front of outsiders and when she stands with her husband, she just keeps going It is the one who retreats to the back, and everyone will still say, "Women (wife) should help men (sir) with face!"

This is an invisible atmosphere. After entering the marriage, you have to suppress your original self in order to suppress this character. Maybe you have to choose to let go of your career, your passion for travel, and your interest. But when we feel that we are "sacrificing ourselves" and achieving our families, and when we don't feel like we are catering to this confusing standard, this relationship will gradually become unbalanced.

A friend once complained to me: "Why are my and my partner independent of their finances, and we each refusal to pay for the same amount of money in our family, but why can't family affairs be divided into half of them together?"

In fact, it's not just women, but society also has a set of invisible standards for men.

Bride Peter talked about him when he was interviewed after divorce. He believed that he was a father with "emotional obstacles" and he didn't know how to take the initiative to express his love to his children. In fact, we are not unfamiliar with such male appearance, and there may be many similar examples, such as our father, brother or husband. They grew up under the traditional value of society, and everyone around them told them that "men cannot cry" and "men cannot express emotions easily" …… the image society creates for men makes them think they must be strong, successful, sunny, and even do not do housework.

The obscurity standard is like a pair of shoes that are not fit in your feet, but if those shoes are expensive and beautiful shoes that everyone calls them, would you choose to take them off or wear them?

At the beginning, I didn't dare to take it down.

Although the feet stuck in the shoes are both tiring and painful, I know the size is not right, but when I see that everyone around me can continue to endure wearing shoes that are not suitable for my feet, I can't help but wonder if I am wrong?

It was not until the small, worn-out foot skin was not good, and the feet and toes were not resistant to pain, that I realized that outsiders could not see a pair of shoes that were not suitable for their feet. In the eyes of others, I was lucky enough to wear a pair of beautiful shoes. Everything looked perfect, and there was anything to complain about?

But the truth is that only you know about foot injuries, and no one will see your pain unless you are willing to take off your shoes.

Only by reducing expectations for traditional gender roles can we adapt to our natural character and keep ourselves in a comfortable state.

Book introduction

Imperfect relationship, with a better self: distinguishing from evil, meeting with the truth, and practicing bravely again, once again bravely, author: He Yuwen

Publisher: He He Culture

Publishing Date: 2021/12/28

Author Introduction

He Yuwen, debuted at the age of 16, has worked in acting for 28 years, and has been active in the TV circle and the media circle for a long time. The YouTube channel was launched in 2021, and it has been deeply rooted in people's hearts and has developed diversely with a sharp and straightforward style. It has written the book "He Yuwenxin Yoga".